Self-Compassion During Turbulent Times
The last few years have been unprecedented in the history of humankind.
As we have started to recover from the aftermath of COVID-19, this year has brought on new challenges with the economic downturn, a large number of layoffs in the tech industry in particular, and a looming recession. All of this has created a bleak outlook for 2023.
The tech sector employees who have lost their jobs have been hit hard.
In one stroke, a job on which much depended on is now gone. It can be rattling, unnerving, and an anxious experience with so many emotions rising. As people prepare for their next transition (the next job, entrepreneurship, or a completely new chapter); the state of mind has a huge role to play.
What I want to offer during this time are the practices of self-compassion.
While compassion and self-compassion have existed as practices for well-being, happiness, resilience, and balance for thousands of years, the last three decades have researched them well, confirming their continued value today. Compassion and self-compassion are similar in the fact that both have two components to it: kindness and action. They are different in orientation where compassion is directed at others and self-compassion is directed at oneself. Compassion for others is the feeling that rises when you see another being’s suffering, resulting in motivation and a desire to help. Self-compassion is that feeling towards the self and helping the self.
I am glad to see greater visibility into this topic while the world catches on to the compassion part of these practices as skills that employees and leaders need in the current age.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, is rarely mentioned. There are many reasons for it. As a culture we are hard on ourselves, we judge ourselves all the time, and we are usually our own worst critics. It also feels like we are being soft when we offer ourselves self-compassion, compared to buckling up to be tough during difficult times. People also tend to associate words like self-pity, being self-centered, and selfish with being compassionate towards oneself. They may also think that self-compassion is about letting ourselves off the hook or making excuses for our mistakes and shortcomings. These are common misconceptions according to Kristin Neff, Ph.D., associate professor at the University of Texas and pioneering researcher in the area of self-compassion.
Self-Compassion is an act of courage that gives us incredible power. There is an increasing body of research from the last two decades pointing to the fact that self-compassion is an act of courage that leads to well-being, reduced anxiety, and an elevated sense of control.
Kristen Neff has created a useful self-compassion scale that can help you identify your level of self-compassion. Olivia Stevenson and Ashley Batts Allen used this scale when studying 200 women to find the connection between self-compassion and inner-strength. They discovered that participants with higher scores on the self-compassion scale felt more empowered, competent, and asserted themselves more.
The acts of compassion become real and natural when we practice self-compassion. Most people say that they care about compassion, but only for others, but the prerequisite for compassion begins with yourself. If you want to truly be kind to others, you must first be kind to yourself.
I invite you to bring self-care and compassion into your lives.
Below are six practices/tips I would like to offer. My hope is that these will speak to you enough to practice them. It is only through practice that we change ourselves.
1. Learn to feel your feelings
This might be the hardest as it requires turning towards yourself. It is especially the feelings that are hard to face – fear, rejection, grief, disappointment, anger etc. It also is recognizing that emotions are emotions. There is nothing wrong with what is rising. They want to protect us. It is our survival brain loving us and wanting us to live.
As we learn to recognize the good logic our survival brain has and its best intention for us; our attitude towards these feelings begin to shift. They no longer have to define us or have them overtake our lives. Lisa Feldman Barrett reveals this latest research in the science of emotion, mind, and brain with her book How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. The research shows us that we have a much greater role in changing our emotional state than we ever thought. The first step to do that is to recognize what emotions are rising. Then we shift them.
This is a difficult practice. As social creatures, we have been taught from the very beginning to avoid feelings. We hear phrases like - “Be strong”, “grow up”, “look at the bright side.” Suppressing negative emotions is how we learn to tackle the world. It may work in the short-term, but it takes a lot to resist these emotions and longer-term they can evolve into other forms - ill health, broken relationships, anxiety, and chronic stress.
We can learn to do this, however, with enough practice. It is human nature to get caught in these feelings again and again, and build juicy stories out of these. Every time we bring awareness of this in the present, we take another step in shifting our attitude towards these feelings. Any moment of remembering, noticing, and becoming aware, is the moment of inner freedom. With practice, this helps us feel the stronghold of emotions evaporate. Like magic!
Mindful awareness of what is happening in the moment allows us to more easily feel our feelings.
Here are some mindfulness techniques to help us get in touch with our feelings.
Name the feeling:
Start with finding a moment to focus on the present. The best way to do this is to place attention on the breath. Take note of any feelings that call your attention. When a feeling arises, let go of your attention to the breath and receive it kindly. It can be really helpful to name it softly. Sad, sad . . . or joy, joy . . . or bored, bored . . . or anxious, anxious . . . or excited, excited. Do that for a couple of minutes and then bring attention back to the breath.
Shift from mind to body:
Feelings are called feelings for a reason. They can be felt in the body.
When we get caught in the whirlwind of feelings, we usually take ourselves into the future or back to the past. When we are in the past or the future, we disassociate from the body.
Shifting from mind to body can reduce the emotion’s stronghold on the system, bringing you back into the current moment.
To do this, bring attention to the part of the body where this feeling is the strongest and try to relax that area. Breathing, stretching, and yawning are all good ways to bring relaxation to the body.
If you have trouble locating where the feeling is, that's okay. There are several ways to become present in the body. For example, by bringing more weight into your feet, or feeling the contact of your body parts on different surfaces like your feet on the floor, your body's different points of contact with your chair, your back against the backrest, etc.
2. Celebrate little victories
As a coach, there is a pattern I see in helping people accomplish their goals. The moment they reach their goals, they are on to the next. I remind them to pause and celebrate the big, small, and very small goals, along with everything in between.
For example, if you are focused on getting a new job as your one big goal, you can easily lose motivation with feelings of failure as you face inevitable setbacks throughout your job search. It is important to celebrate each and every step of your journey. Right from the start, you are getting your portfolio ready, connecting with your network, and taking on additional activities to find that next role. Are there daily or weekly goals that you have focus on and have more control over? As you reach them, celebrate them!
3. Create a regular routine
Recently I met my dear friend and colleague Maria Kyriakos. While we were chatting, she shared about how important her morning routine was for her. I asked her why and she responded: “It allows me to connect into the quiet space, without thoughts. It also connects me to my body, increasing my awareness of it. I then feel centered and ready to be present and productive within my day. Doing this practice increases my self-compassion and my patience / compassion with others.”
Since she mentioned self-compassion, I was curious about how this practice increased self-compassion and compassion. Her answer was: “By connecting into my body I’m aware of whether I’m at full capacity or a bit tired. If I’m the latter, I try to pace myself differently and ensure that I get more rest and/or some exercise that day.”
Starting your day with a self-compassionate start can set you up for a productive and kind day. Instead of falling into the blackhole of checking your smartphone the very first thing in the morning, start with a different activity that is more conducive to a creative and expansive mindset (something you will need for that job search or next big goal).
Julia Cameron, in her book “The Artist’s Way”, invites us to write three pages every day, first thing in the morning from our stream of consciousness (without too much thinking) to become our more creative self.
If this is not for you, how about being in nature for a walk, playing with pets, meditating, or just some quiet time. It could be as simple as slowly sipping your hot beverage made just the way you like it, in that favorite mug of yours that you got from your last vacation.
4. Check in with yourself often – “What do I need right now to take care of myself?”
“Why should you take care of yourself?” Especially during this time of great hurry and stress.
For one, without fuel, a car won’t go that far. As human beings, the needs are even greater, considering not just the physical health but also mental and emotional well-being. Self-care starts by being kind to yourself. It is also knowing that you are not alone in this.
You don’t need to devote big chunks of time and energy to this practice. We can ; build many small self-care moments throughout the day.
A good approach any time you feel stress building up is to ask yourself: “What is in my control that will help in this moment?”. In that pause, can you make something nurturing and nourishing appear?
Victor Frankl, the famous neurologist and psychologist, invites us to bring that pause often. “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
5. Choose a compassionate approach to your goals
Most of us have a self-critic that lives within us. It gets hyperactive in times of stress. Criticism, self-judgment, blame, and everything else in between telling us how worthless or incompetent we are. We feel this negative treatment is necessary to put pressure on us and boost our chances of success. It means progress.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
This treatment of ourselves shows up in conversations as lack of self-esteem and confidence. It creates bigger challenges with health and well-being.
Kristin Neff, Ph.D. talks about the fact that self-compassion is a more effective motivator than self-criticism. She says, “The more we can accept ourselves, the more able we are to change and take risks and the less anxious we are about failure. Self-criticism adds to performance anxiety, undermines your ability to do your best and causes you to procrastinate. It prevents you from learning from your mistakes—missed learning opportunities. If we don’t have self-compassion, we pull the rug out from under ourselves and make it so much harder than it needs to be.”
She offers many practices and exercises on her website.
6. Meditate regularly especially for self-compassion until it comes easily for you
Self-compassion at times can feel unattainable. It may not come as naturally because of our previous conditioning. When that is true, I invite you to practice meditation for self-compassion. With practice, you will start to notice that the inner critic is not that loud and we judge ourselves less. We make room for kindness to ourselves and to others.
Below is a script for meditating on self-compassion. It has steps to let in compassion and care for another person. Sometimes, we can only access our basic goodness through others, and visualizing someone who can bring you into safety during these times can help as we practice self-compassion.
Take a moment to find a comfortable posture that is both alive and relaxed. You can close your eyes if you’d like, or keep them open with an inward gaze to move your focus within.
Notice how the body is feeling at this moment. Just simply allow awareness into the body. How does your body feel right now?
Think of a challenge that is arising. Start the practice with something that is medium in intensity. On a scale of 1-10 in intensity, it is under 7.
As you visualize the challenge, feel it come alive. How does it feel? What sensations do you experience? What parts of the body tighten up and feel tense? Just notice what’s here. You don’t have to think about the body, but try to really feel any sensations or vibrations.
Meet yourself with a compassionate heart. Recognize that you are not alone. You may say silently: "I am not alone. Other people experience this. This is how it feels when other people experience this."
Offer yourself some compassionate phrases. You can repeat them silently, each phrase a few times. Here are some phrases to choose from. You can also create your own.
May I be kind to myself
May I be compassionate to myself
May I accept myself the way I am
May I be patient
May I forgive myself
7. If bringing yourself these phrases feels difficult, bring to mind the face of someone who helps you to feel compassion and love towards yourself.
It might be your grandmother or a teacher, your pet, or your dearest friend, someone living, or someone from the past . It may be something in nature or a spiritual figure. Whoever appears, try to sense that they perceive your vulnerability and can bring safety to you at this time. Feel that they are with you and sending you the message. “I am here with you …I care about you.”
You can hear them expressing compassion towards you.
May you be kind to yourself
May you be compassionate to yourself
May you accept myself the way you are
May you be patient
May you forgive yourself
Allow yourself to sit in silence as you absorb these phrases. Let your body relax into them and feel nurtured and nourished. May there be spaciousness and a sense of ease. Begin to move your hands and feet. Open your eyes now if they are closed. Reconnect to your surroundings through different senses as you increase external awareness.
Like any other skill, it is through experimentation and practice that we learn. Try different practices, see what fits better, and then practice more until it becomes you.
Please reach out to us at mindfulleaders.info@gmail.com, if there is a topic that can support you to become a more Mindful Leader.